Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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