we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
