haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
