I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm like, not good at living.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
