We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
