She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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