his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
