physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
