my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
