oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
