I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
