i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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