just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
