I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
