Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
