Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We need to get me chipped asap
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
