it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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