When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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