Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
