I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
