I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
