I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Two words: blizzard sex
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
