I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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