I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
