My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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