Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just pee around me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Help. Why am I so naked?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
