'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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