i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
