Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
