I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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