life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I forgot how hot balto sounded
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
