I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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