You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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