then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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