I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
