Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
