I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
