Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
