shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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