haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
