Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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