guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
