Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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