I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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