toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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