the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
