apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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