What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
