I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
