Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
