I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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